Jukebox God

Nefissa And Mambo
3 min readApr 6, 2021
Photo by Daniel Von Appen on Unsplash

I used to believe myself to be an amazing Christian. After all I am a tither, a virgin, a person who never tasted neither drug nor alcohol. I appreciated the crucifixion of his son, Jesus the Christ as long as Father God understood that one cross was enough. The deal was that Jesus would die on the cross for me honestly because he created me without my approval and so because I don’t want to be here; he were to be nailed on the cross so that I could escape a lake of fire I was destined to burn in…

I wanted a jukebox God. As long as I had the coins his job was to play whatever life song I craved. I desired a genie in a bottle. I was looking for a parrot who would repeat whatever I spoke back to me. We were best friends… As long as my whole family was intact.

My mother was a “ride or die” Christian. She would praise God through all of it. She was an Apostle Paul of sorts. She took her tribulations soberly and with class. Mom loved Christ through illnesses I am not comfortable to speak of out loud. She took physical beatings from other family members and always remembered to say hello to the Holy Spirit every single morning.

Mom was a song clapper, a worshiper, a kisser of the feet of Jesus. I’m not half the Christian that she was… I never desired to worship him and I did not do it either. I did not kiss the feet of Jesus, pour a years’ salary of perfume on his feet and I certainly did not wipe his feet dry with my hair. Christ was here for my convenience. He was to give me money, food, water and certainly not illness and death.

He changed the song on the jukebox. I had “Just Got Paid” sung by Johnny Kemp on replay. Just got paid, Friday night. Party huntin’, feelin’ right… Suddenly the Lord Jesus turned the knob all the way left, increased the volume and picked the song he wanted me to hear. Eric Clapton’s “Tears In Heaven.” Would you know my name? If I saw you in heaven? Would it be the same? If I saw you in heaven.

When my mother died, my love of God started to dwindle down. He retracted the contract I wrote. He did not keep to the agreement. I never agreed to cancer, rashes and wheelchairs. He wanted a testimony out of this…

God wanted a good and faithful servant. He wanted someone who loved him through excruciating pain. Someone who would keep reciting the bible verses on…

Nefissa And Mambo

I am Egyptian, Cuban, New Yorkian and Christian all at the same time. I write articles based on childhood, race and religion to purge myself.